Vampires! OMG!
by xoDarkObsession
Summary: TWILIGHT SPOOF. Twilight, rewritten in simpler terms. Full of epic stupidity! Warning: That annoying "IM text" is here on purpose. For more stupidity... Enough said.
1. An Opossum

**Disclaimer; **The real Twilight that everyone orgasms and loses their virginity over is not ours. But this AWESOME remake is ours. **Written by Rainbow Ryan. XD**

**A/N; **This is a complete spoof rewriting Twilight in, basically, how it sounded to us… well, and adding a few things just to make it stupid….AND AWESOME. XD But, hey, it's a spoof, so that's how it goes. No, we're not stupid. We notice the misspelled words and the "… wtf?" moments. Everything that sounds stupid was put there purposely.

**A Disturbingly popular novel by R. Days!!!11ONE!!!!11ELEVEN!~!!!1**

**-x-**

**Chapter One; **

I sighed loudly to myself as I sat in the stupid car in the stupid rain going to the stupid airport in stupid Phoenix. My mother hummed stupidly to herself as I moped. "I thought you leiked your father." She commented stupidly.

I groaned, "Yeah, I guess." I sighed.

"Good, she replied" Suddenly she turned into an opossum then turned back.

We got the airport and I sighed as I hugged my mother and sat on the airplane, which was convineently 5 feet away from where she hugged me. The plane ride was LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG. I spent the hole ride listening to my Appletm iPodtm I love Paramore and Muse.

I finally touched down into Seattle where my father Charly was waiting for me with his car. It was an hours drive to Forks, Washington where I would spend my moping time, wishing I was back in Phoenix. I sighed as we pulled up to our house. "Stupid house" I thought. It was raining. It was ALWAYS raning in sPORKS.

As we turned the corner to the mansion, I layed my beautiful brite pinmpin' pink eyes on a $40,000,000 Lear Jet. "It's for you my lovely, sweet daughter. I had to spend my dead mother's ashes to pay for this, but seeing you smile is always worth it." He beamed.

"BAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW!" I sobbed. And sobbed again…anda gain.(5 minutes later) and… again. Now everyone will hate me!" I cried. I cryed all the waty up to my room. I locketed the door and stayed their for the rest of the night and waited for my miserable life to end!

**-x-**

First chapter in the book was short, so this first chap is short, too. Longer chapters later. Not like anyone will care. XD So much hate reviews will be heading our way. AWES. (massive breakdown of tears)

Yes! We know Charlie's name is spelled wrong! XD

**Review! :D** Haha.


	2. No Panties

**Disclaimer; **Twilight is not owned by us. (Thank God.) BUT… this epically stupid fanfic is. :D

**A/N; **Ok… we're not stupid. No seriously, we're not this epically stupid. Actually, this may shock you, but in real life we're pretty literate. BUT… this is a spoof… (AN AWESOME, RETARDED SPOOF XD) and the retarded "IM talk" words just needed to be in here. 'Kay? Thanks. And we were shocked that we had positive feedback. I thought we'd get like, "…. ur morons. -_-" by now or something along the lines of, "You seriously have no life." Lawls ensue. So thanks to all the positive feedback! Made our days. Seriously we were like, "OMG YES! XD" Ok done ranting! .

**-x-**

**Chapter 2: No Panties**

I awoke 5 mintues L8r ready for school. My school clothes were already on, even tho I didn't shower or get dressed… or brush my teeth… or my hair… or put deodorant on… or anything, really. Lulz. I stepped outside the door… and tripped. "Ow" I screamed. And proceeded to cry my byootiful pinmpin pink eyes out.

After I was done crying and slitting my wrists (remember kids, it's down the road, not across the street), I stepped into my diamond studded Lear jet… and tripped. The engines went "FASHOOOOOOO" as I took off from my father-I mean "Charli's" private runway.

Next, I cruised to over 9000 feet and gazed at the beautiful raning clouds around me. I missed Phoenix, so I went "BAWWWW!" The radar showed that my new stupid highschool was near. So I tilted the nose toward down. Minutes later, I heard a tremendous crunch, it sounded leik 'splody.' Lol, that's a funny word. Splody. I'm silently rofling to myselfs. I snapped out of my offtopicness… and tripped… out of the jet. I went "BAWWWW FASHOOOO"

I turned around and noticed a halfdozen other people's stupid cars now a smoldering wreck. (smoldering… that's a big word for Bella, don't you think?) Anyway, all the students were pointing around and gaping at there stupid smushed cars. Smushed is also a funny word. But I digress… a lot. "Oops," said Bella… as she tripped… again.

"Holy crap!" said student 38, "ur Bella Sue Swan! The new student who trips a lot!!"

"Yeah, that's me, lol. Bella Phail Swan." I then broke out into tears as I randomly realized how hideous I was compared to everyone els. "BAWWWWW!" I said.

The kids said, "HOLY CRAP MY RETINAS! THE GLORIOUS BYOOTY!!" His head promptly 'sploded. Haha, there's that funny word again… 'splody. :D

I walked into the stupid school… and tripped… and then I got up and tripped again. As I made my way to Biology, I heard left and right the sounds of my fellow students heads going 'splody. Teehee. As I stepped through the stupid door, a stupid student greeted me.

"HAI THAR!" he blursted. "MAI NAYME IZ MYKE!"

I asked him, "hi hi. what's ur last name, lol."

He quietly told me hiz last name. "………………………….JACKSON!"

"Uh, ok, hi Mike," I said to him. He then took out a spoon from his pocket and proceeded (oh look, another big word) to say, "UR EYEZ R PRITTY, I CAN HAZ ONE?" I walked away after that. Suddenly, class was over. That was convenient! Also, all the kid's who didn't suffer from 'splodyhead syndrome were now mai best frannns. Funny, because I had no friends in Phoenix.

**-x-**

**A/N; **End of chapter two! I know half you reading this… or maybe all.. are big Twilight fans since this is under the Twilight category and what would you be doing looking up Twilight fan fictions if you didn't like Twilight? But, you have to admit it's so awesome in a stupid, lame way. XD

We ourselves (obviously..) don't like Twilight as much… or at all. And we know people do.. (insert another **Obviously**), so we're giving a different version of Twilight. :D

Hope you liked. Lulz. Or not? **Review** please. x3 Hate or positive feedback is welcome. We're all prone to our opinions. :D


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